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click on the distracted
pupil to enlarge
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We Really must get a "Naughty
Step"!!!!
Shaun has been
a bad
boy
and
put in the corner
click picture to enlarge
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Guess the name of the feet :
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Two guys continued to
compete in Karate tournaments well past their prime. One
day, after yet another competition, they were talking.
"I wonder if there's any Karate in Heaven?" One of them
asked.
"Dunno," came the reply. "Tell you what, whoever dies
first must promise to come back and let the other know."
They agreed and, about a week later, one of them passed
away. About a month after that, the surviving karateka
was at yet another competition when all of a sudden he
sees a ghost. Sure enough, it was his old mate who'd
come back as promised.
"Well, please tell me, are there Karate competitions in
Heaven?"
"I've some good news and bad news for you old chum,"
replied the ghost. "The good news is that, yes, there
are Karate competitions in Heaven."
"So what's the bad news?"
"Your first match is scheduled for the day after
tomorrow."
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You know you are doing too much karate if....
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You find yourself casually standing in a half cat
stance.
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You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting
stance. In church.
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You answer "Ussss". To your boss.
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You are introduced to someone and you bow to greet
them.
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You tie your bathrobe belt in a perfect knot; then
check to make sure the ends are exactly even.
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You accept change from the cashier using a knife
hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.
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When you're outside doing gardening you practice
with all the neat 'weapons'.
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You look for new accommodation based on the amount
of practice space it provides (who needs a
bedroom?).
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You find yourself practicing bo techniques in
miniature with your pencil during dull meetings.
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You notice you never stand with your arms crossed or
your hands in your pockets.
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You find yourself practicing stances while standing
in lines. Strangely, most people are standing
cautiously far, far away from you.
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You don't use any tools while splitting firewood.
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To
deepen our knowledge and understanding of martial arts,
here a small dictionary of important terms:
Aikidō: A Japanese martial art which allows you
to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of
course your enemy does not know how to properly do ukemi
- in which case he will have all his bones shattered in
no time. Aikiodo is also known as "the fastest way to
union with the ground."
Arnis: "Harness of the hand," a Filipino martial
art, also known as eskrima and kali, concentrating on
stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronunciation of
the art guarantees a quick taste.
Bō: A long stick. Very useful for bashing people.
Bokken / bokutō: A stick that looks like a sword.
Bunkai: "Analysis." Sometimes the sensei actually
expects you to know what you are doing.
Dan: Someone who has achieved the rank of at
least first-degree black belt in a Japanese martial art.
Darn: The sound uttered when a Dan realises that
from now on they will get hit more frequent and more
ruthless during training.
Hakama: A black skirt worn primarily by Aikidōka,
but they don't really like to talk about it.
(comment by an irritated Aikidōka: "At least
we
don't train merely in our underwear...")
Hikite: A chivalrous act in karate. By putting
the fists to the hip the opponent is given a chance.
Iaidō: "Way of the sword," the art of drawing a
katana from its scabbard. A rather interesting sport
developed around the principle of "look how big mine
is."
Jō: A short stick, but it still has a greater
reach than a chopstick. After all still fairly useful
for bashing people.
Jūdō: "Gentle way," a Japanese pastime where
grown men roll around cuddling each other.
Karate: "Empty hand." The purpose of this
Japanese art is the smashing of wood, bricks and humans.
Karatekas enjoy pain; this is shown by their habit of
fighting with their fists on their hips.
Kata: A series of prearranged movements practiced
in many martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or
anything else that might involve pain.
Katana: A sharp metal stick.
Kendō: An unusual activity involving wearing
strange costumes and hitting each other with sticks
while making inhuman sounds. Could be a cult.
Kiai: A battle cry that is supposed to go with
the release of immense energies. It is can also be used
to render an opponent incapacitated with fear (or
laughter).
Kobudō: "The old way," a collective term for
martial arts which turned ploughshares into swords.
Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the
Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the
emulation of animals. Students of Praying Mantis spend
years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs.
Makiwara: The karateka's equivalent to a cat's
scratching post.
Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who
graded in a McDojo or has completed the "Become a Master
by Video" course available for only 29.95 per month.
McDojo: Belts and glossy certificates on the
quick. Special offers are available upon request. Who
needs blood, sweat and hard work, anyway?
Nunchaku: Two connected sticks. Harmless looking
but dangerous. Especially for the inexperienced user.
Ninja: A confused individual who takes pride in
sneaking around at night in his pyjamas packed with
hidden weapons.
Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking
around at night in your pyjamas packed with hidden
weapons.
Seiza: It took the Japanese centuries to discover
and cultivate the most painful sitting position possible
for the human body.
Senpai: A more experienced student who is not yet
a Dan; often used by the sensei for practical
explanations. Ouch.
Sensei: "Teacher." The alpha of the dōjō. Knows
everything, capable of everything. Supposedly.
Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the
hope that that the sensei doesn't realise that you don't
know any decent technique or kata.
Tae kwon do: This Korean martial art that relies
on its followers to develop the velocity of sound and
the flexibility of professional ballet dancers.
Tai chi chuan: An art that promises ultimate
power from moving very slowly for many years.
Unfortunately by the time you develop this ultimate
power you are close to death anyway.
Uke: A way to avoid substantial unpleasantries;
but also the name of the poor blighter who is about to
be flung headfirst into the mat in the name of practice.
Zen: The discipline of enlightenment that
emphasises on meditation. Mostly taught by old and
confused monks who have had too many rocks fall on their
heads during waterfall meditations.
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This
guy is walking alone along the beach one day when he
hears the voice of god.
"You have been a good and gracious man through the
years, my son. You have shown kindness and humility to
everyone you have met and honoured my name." God tells
him.
"Thank you my lord, I have always tried to do what was
right," the man replies.
"Exactly and this is why I have chosen to reward you.
Name your true heart's desire and I shall reward you."
The man thinks to himself for a moment, "I'd like," he
begins, "a black belt in Karate."
"You what?" Says God, scarcely able to believe his ears.
"I'd like a black belt in Karate" the man repeats.
God is not impressed. "You have at your disposal the
power to move mountains, change the course of rivers and
forge life where none has existed before. Your request
demeans me as the creator of the universe and insults my
very being. I suggest you re-consider and choose
something more fitting to my abilities and my worth."
The man thinks for a moment. "Okay, how about this," he
says, "how about giving me the ability to understand my
wife. To understand how when she says yes, she actually
means no. How, when I've done something wrong, I'm able
to figure out what it is without resorting to guessing
games and vacuous declarations of 'everything's fine.'
And it would be really, really useful to have the
ability to predict what she actually wants from me, in
the same way that she always assumes I should already
know. In short, give me the ability to think like a
woman."
"So," says God, "you want your name embroidered on that
black belt then?"
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